TCW #023 | Defrosting a low-trust relationship at work
Feeling like your key workplace partners don't trust you or keep you informed is the pits. Here's how to confront the Cold War head-on and rebuild a productive, high-trust relationship.
This week, I’ll share some strategies and tactics you can use to thaw a low-trust working relationship with your manager, direct report, or a peer.
Workplace relationships are the lifeblood of creating technologies, products, and experiences that impact the world around us.
For many of us, impact is the key driver in our careers. We want to use our skills to move the needle on issues that matter to us.
When people lose trust in one another, the working relationship loses its ability to be optimally productive.
Regardless of power dynamics, when a workplace relationship freezes over, it limits your ability to produce and ship your best work, and that’s why it has to be solved right away.
This post will help you identify how to fix workplace relationships where trust has been eroded or lost entirely, whether it’s your relationship with:
your manager
or your direct report
or a peer
Let’s dive in.
🥶 What The Cold War aka Lack of Trust looks like
The Cold War workplace relationship dysfunction is fundamentally about a loss of trust or confidence in the other person. When people lose trust in someone at work, they naturally start to invest their time and energy into other workplace relationships, and they may even actively avoid or deter the person who has lost their trust.
Some telltale signs that The Cold War is icing you out:
Coldness: As the name suggests, there will be a distinct chill to the relationship. This will be especially noticeable when there is a sudden loss of trust in an otherwise healthy prior relationship.
Avoidance: The other person may avoid you and only communicate when absolutely necessary. This may be intentional or simply because they get busy investing in other higher trust relationships.
Guardedness: When you do communicate, you may notice that their guard is up. They may give you vague directions or leave out key information that would expedite your efforts. They may try to “escape” the conversation quickly.
Resentment: If this dysfunction goes on for too long, you may feel resentful and angry towards each other. You may even take out your anger on each other using either passive or active aggression. When the Cold War is at its worse, you may even actively try to dismantle each other’s success (sabotaging projects, speaking negatively about the other, withholding assistance when it’s clearly needed).
Feeling alone: As time marches on, the person being iced out may feel deeply alone, or even abandoned, in the workplace.
Employee impacts for this dysfunction are vast. You may feel constant stress or anxiety, feel that the other person is “out to get you,” or feel abandoned without resources or support. I’ve written before about the tight correlation and impact of work stress on mental health overall — TLDR: it’s huge.
Please do not sweep this one under the rug.
Getting back on track
It would be remiss of me to not point out the obvious role that power dynamics play in workplace relationships, so I’ve organized this low-trust relationship Fix It guide into three sections:
what to do if you’re the manager
what to do if you’re the direct report
what to do if you are a peer
Each section walks through the strategies and tactics that you can use to raise the white flag, call a truce, write the treaty, and get your relationship back on a path to high-trust and productivity.
You’re the Manager
If you’re the manager in a dysfunctional relationship where you have lost trust in your direct report, or you sense that they have lost trust in you, it’s best if you take the first step.
Respect the power dynamic
You have to respect the fact that there is always a power dynamic at play, and even if you know yourself to be fair, unbiased, and non-retaliatory — when workplace relationships become dysfunctional, rational thinking often flies out the door, and your employee will certainly be concerned about the possibility of retaliation if they are the first to bring up the topic. So, it’s on you.
Respect that the employee is more impacted than you, 95% of the time
You need to understand how bad the employee impact can be in these lost-trust relationships. Employees can very quickly spiral into a headspace of fear, abandonment, and concern for their job security or psychological safety in the workplace. It’s on you as a manager to create a safe space for this conversation, whether you bring it up or whether they bring it up with you.
While it is true that sometimes the employee can be the one most guilty of accelerating the demise of trust and acting out in the situation, 95% of the time, the mental and emotional impact to them will be greater than the impact to you as their manager. It’s on you to bring it up.
Respect your own humanity
Sometimes we as managers feel the need to be perfect stewards of the company and of our teams. When we recognize that we’ve failed to build a positive and productive relationship with our direct report, feelings of failure, shame, and embarrassment take over. You may even feel humiliated if the relationship dysfunction is public or well-known in the workplace. But please keep these in mind:
You aren’t expected to be perfect or a 24/7 living handbook for the ideal manager
You are expected to make mistakes and learn, like any other employee
You are expected to take action and fix things when they aren’t going well
Recognize when escalation is needed
In some cases, you may not feel or be equipped to handle the situation on your own. This can be the case if you’re an early career manager, if you feel you’re being bullied by your direct report, or if the relationship has simply gone too far in the hole and you’re unsure how to resuscitate it on your own. In these situations, your job is to:
recognize that you need help
own your feelings — this can include shame, guilt, or embarrassment
seek assistance from your manager or HR
Most of the time, you can get far ahead of the need for escalation, and I strongly recommend that you do. As soon as you notice that the relationship has lost trust, you need to take action.
What to do
Take time to formulate a conversation strategy. Key elements include:
an icebreaker (if it’s awkward for you, it’s awkward for them too)
acknowledgement of the problem and its impact on the employee
an apology for your part in the relationship erosion
an ask to co-develop a plan to get back on track
a prompt to take action right here to kick off the repair process
clear next steps in both the short term (to repair) and over time (to ensure that after the relationship is repaired, it is actively maintained)
An example of how this can happen
“Are you open to having a conversation about our working relationship?” Ask at a time when you’re not having an active issue or argument, when the environment is psychologically safe for them.
Once they agree, schedule the conversation as soon as possible. This is to avoid letting time mount feelings of fear or dread on your employee, who may already be in a tender emotional state about the relationship.
“Thank you for meeting with me. First, I want to acknowledge that our relationship isn’t working optimally, and I’m aware that this has impacted you.” Kick off the conversation by acknowledging the situation and how it has likely impacted them. Leave how you’ve been impacted out of it. This part of the conversation is about creating a safe space for the employee.
“I am sorry for my part in allowing our relationship to get to a less productive place.” Apologize for your part in letting the relationship erode. Don’t make excuses, just say sorry straight out.
“I want you to know that I’m on your team, and I want to help you thrive and grow.” Let them know that you are still on their team 100%. This is about making them feel safe.
“If you’re open to it, I’d like to work on a plan together to rebuild trust in our relationship and ensure you’re getting everything you need from me to thrive at work.” Ask if they are open to working together on a plan to reinforce trust in the relationship.
“In fact, we can kick it off right now. Is there one thing I can do right away that will reboot trust?” Ask what is one thing you can do right now — separately or together — to regain even an iota of trust. Momentum is everything.
“I want to give you time to digest this conversation. Can I set a follow-up in a day or two for us to put together a plan?” It’s important to give both of you some time to digest the conversation before diving into an action plan.
Set up a follow-up conversation to create your “Rebuilding Trust Roadmap.”
Have regular check-ins on the relationship once you complete the Roadmap. At worst, it should be able to maintain its repaired status. In my experience, the relationship trust and your bond will likely sky-rocket 🚀
You’re the Direct Report
It’s incredibly painful to feel that your manager has lost faith in you, but sometimes the situation is reversed, and it’s you who have lost trust in your manager. This section is going to be agnostic about who lost trust with whom. Instead, we’ll focus on what you can do with your own voice and power to get the relationship back on track.
At the end of the day, productive working relationships across the board is what we’re going for.
Understand that you have power in the relationship, too
Often, employees feel that they don’t have the power to bring up this conversation with their manager. I’ve been there myself. However, having been on the manager side, I can also tell you that I’ve never respected an employee more than when they were willing to bring up an issue with me that I was previously unable to see myself.
Remember that you do have power in all of your relationships, including with your boss. The way that you wield that power and how you have this conversation will often predict the future trajectory of that relationship.
Take accountability for your part in the loss of trust
While the burden is on managers to fix manager-employee relationship issues, it always takes two to tango. The best thing you can do for your own growth and development is to start by acknowledging what you could have done differently to avoid the current loss of trust in the relationship. You don’t have to share it with them right now, and you don’t have to wear it like a scarlet letter, but you need to do this for your own growth and development.
Know when escalation is needed
We can’t ignore the power dynamics inherent to manager-employee relationships, and we also can’t ignore the possible case that there is actual discrimination, harassment, or bullying happening.
While I offer a strategy and tactics below for you to make the first move, it’s not always possible for the employee to take the lead on fixing a dysfunctional manager-employee relationship. If you feel that you are not equipped to have this conversation, seek help. Larger companies will have an employee relations specialist within HR, otherwise you can seek advice from HR or from your manager’s manager.
Assuming that you feel you can have this conversation (though it will feel awkward to do), here’s how you can approach it:
What to do
Before your next 1:1, ask your manager if you can set aside time to talk about your communication. Definitely ask for a specific set-aside time if your 1:1s are usually fully packed with content and/or if they tend to be more tactical vs strategic. You want their mindset primed that this is not a “standard” 1:1.
Plan out your talking points. At a minimum, they should include:
your interest in having a productive and positive relationship with them
your experience having high-trust, positive relationships with past managers
an acknowledgement that the relationship feels uncomfortable for you
one to three examples where communication or partnership have failed
a desire to collaborate on a path forward
Here’s an example of how this can happen
“Can we talk about our relationship?” Ask your manager if you can schedule 1:1 time to discuss your communication.
Schedule the meeting. I recommend 20-30 minutes.
“Thank you for making this a priority.” In the conversation, open by thanking them for taking the time and for taking this seriously.
“My goal is to have a positive and productive relationship with you.” Start with your ultimate goal: to work swimmingly with your manager.
“I’ve had wonderful manager relationships in the past, and I found them very rewarding.” If you’ve had positive manager relationships in the past, share that you have, and that you found them rewarding and enjoyable.
“This conversation is hard to have, but it’s been weighing on me. Our relationship seems to have lost trust, and it’s affecting my work and my productivity.” Acknowledge the elephant in the room and that this conversation isn’t easy for you.
“I think it’s helpful to share some specific examples where I’ve seen our relationship or communications fail recently…” Share 1-3 specific examples where you felt the partnership, trust, or communications have failed, and the impact to your work and even your emotional state.
“I’m willing to do my part to fix these issues, and I don’t want to see our relationship get worse.” Let them know that you want to find a way to improve the relationship and are willing to do your part. It’s also ok to admit that you’ve waited to have this conversation because you didn’t know how to have the conversation and were nervous to rattle things even more. Vulnerability may be an advantage if there are still walls to break down.
“I want to work together to move forward, if you’re open to it.” Let them know that you want to work together to move forward.
“I also want to hear your perspective.” From there, let the manager take the lead. Let them share their thoughts and experiences as well.
“What do you see as the next steps?” Don’t leave the conversation without an action plan. This can include a follow up conversation after everyone has had a chance to digest the situation, putting together an action plan collaboratively, or anything else that moves the situation forward.
You’re a Peer
While most peer relationships don’t have the same power dynamics at play, they can have significant impacts on how smoothly your day-to-day work and major projects flow.
Assess the importance of resolving the problem
Working on relationships takes time and energy, so first I suggest that you determine the urgency and importance of improving your relationship with a given peer. Remember that there are only so many hours in the day and “emotional CPUs” in your brain.
Be thoughtful — you don’t have to have sunshine and rainbows in every workplace relationship. Sometimes it’s OK to have suboptimal working relationships with peers, especially if you don’t work with them often or if they aren’t a key part of your day to day.
Take accountability for your part in the loss of trust
If you decide that there is a low-trust peer relationship you want to work on, you need to start by first humbly acknowledging your part in letting the relationship devolve and lose trust. This is for you, not for them. You can only grow and improve through humility, self-awareness, and doing the work to get better.
Know when escalation is needed
Bullying in the workplace happens every day, and not all peer relationships are 100% equal in their power dynamics. If you feel you lack the ability or confidence to drive the conversation, it’s OK to call in the cavalry. Seek help from a trusted third party, your manager, or HR.
Your goal is to get to a positive working relationship, and you don’t have to do it all alone.
If you do feel confident that you can tackle this on your own (though it will be awkward, it always is), here’s a plan you can use as a draft:
What to do
Avoid catching them off guard. Ask them if you can set aside time to talk about your communication. If they also perceive that the relationship is not working, they will often have an intuitive understanding that this is what you want to talk about, and they will respect you for making the first move.
Plan out your talking points. At a minimum, they should include:
your interest in having a productive and positive relationship with them
your experience being in productive working relationships with others
an acknowledgement that the relationship feels uncomfortable for you
one to three examples where communication or partnership have failed
a desire to collaborate on a path forward
Here’s an example of how this can happen
“Can we schedule time to talk about how we work together?” Don’t catch them off guard, and get their permission to set a meeting. You want them in the right headspace to have this important conversation.
Schedule the meeting. I recommend 20-30 minutes, and I also recommend finding a non-threatening location, for example maybe go on an outdoor walk or invite them to lunch. Avoid having this conversation in the same environment where the conflict is most prevalent, ie in the same conference room where you had an argument last week.
“Thank you for making this a priority.” In the conversation, open by thanking them for taking the time to talk about the working relationship.
“My goal is to build a stronger and more productive working relationship with you.” State your top-level goal so they know this isn’t about debating who is most guilty or rehashing drama. Let them know that you want to have a positive and productive relationship with them.
“I have other fantastic working relationships with peers at this company, and I think we can have a similar relationship and both benefit.” Let them know that you have other productive and rewarding peer relationships and you’d like for this one to be similar.
“This conversation is hard to have, but it’s been weighing on me. Our relationship seems to have lost trust, and I prefer to have positive working relationships.” Acknowledge the elephant in the room and that this isn’t easy for you.
“I think it’s helpful to share some specific examples where I’ve seen our relationship or communications fail recently…” Share 1-3 specific examples where you felt the partnership, trust, or communications have failed, and the impact to your work and even your emotional state.
“I’m sorry for how I’ve contributed to the issues in our relationship.” If you’ve done things that have contributed to the worsening of the situation, own them. Apologize for your part in letting the relationship become dysfunctional, and this will help them open up and avoid feeling defensive for their part in the devolution.
“I’m willing to do my part to fix these issues, and I pulled you aside now because I definitely don’t want to see our relationship get worse.” Let them know that you want to find a way to improve the relationship and are willing to do your part.
“I want to work together to move forward, if you’re open to it.” Let them know that you want to work together to move forward.
“I also want to hear your perspective.” From there, let them share their thoughts and experiences and feelings as well. You might feel defensive by what they have to say, but resist the urge to respond or rebut. Create a space where they are free to voice their frustration — and remember, they didn’t have as much time to prepare for this conversation as you, so they might have a more raw or unfiltered perspective.
“I hear and understand you.” Acknowledge their feelings and experiences. If you disagree with some of their points, that’s OK. It might suit you to debate the details when you work on an action plan together in the next step.
“Where do we go from here?” Don’t leave the conversation without an action plan. This can include a follow up conversation after everyone has had a chance to digest the situation, putting together an action plan collaboratively, or anything else that moves the situation forward.
Conclusion
When key workplace relationships (with managers, direct reports, or peers) aren’t working, it hurts everyone’s mental state and productivity. Navigating the awkwardness and confronting the issue is 100% hard but also 100% worth it.
🎉 That’s a wrap! I hope this helps you, now or in the future.
Because working relationship dysfunctions are so woefully common in the workplace — and so detrimental if not dealt with expeditiously — I’ve created a series dedicated to diagnosing and resolving dysfunctional workplace relationships. All posts in the series:
TCW #022: The 6 dysfunctions of manager-employee relationships
TCW #024: Clarifying unclear expectations with your manager, systematically
TCW #025: Helping your helicopter manager let go (of their tight grip on your career)
TCW #026: Dealing with unfair treatment at work (including harassment, discrimination, and retaliation)
TCW #027: Turning a dead-end job into a career catapulting growth roadmap
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