🤫 Whisper #24: Candor == Kindness

Direct feedback is the love language of growth. Sparing someone the truth robs them of the ability to adapt. No parenting. No shielding. Just direct feedback.

Jul 12, 2024

👋 Hey, it’s 📣 Coach Erika! Welcome to a surprise ✨ BONUS free subscriber edition✨ of The Career Whispers. Each week, I tackle reader questions about tech careers: how to get one, how to navigate them, and how to grow and thrive in your role.

I’m feeling spicy this week, and my fingers are unstoppable with BONUS posts. I hope you enjoy the extra content!

This Whisper came to mind as I began to mentally prepare for a conversation with one of my colleagues. This person is doggedly loyal (and kind), and he tries to see the best in others at all times. He has a tendency to overprotect other members of the team, often dismissing their weaknesses in an effort to promote their abilities and help others see what they have to offer. His behavior comes from a place of kindness, but he doesn’t (yet) understand that it short-changes the very people he is trying to help…

With that context, let’s dive in ↓

Whisper #24

Candor == Kindness

This week's Whisper is a lesson that I learned far too late in my career.

I spent years of my career chasing affirmation and avoiding criticism. When I became a manager, I then spent years adopting this awkward matriarchal stance where I was constantly “looking out for” my team and protecting them from the criticism of others. I shielded them from reality, oversold their strengths, downplayed their weaknesses, and gave them credit for my own ideas and work—all to prop them up rather than letting them learn how to swim their own lanes. Acting this way helped them feel successful in the short term, but it short-changed them in the long run.

I now understand that parenting one’s team is a grave mistake and that no one benefits from any kind of paternalism in the workplace.

Key points:

Avoid parenting or sheltering your team. It stunts their long-term growth.
Help people see their blind spots. It’s kinder than looking the other way.
Praise should be proportional to impact. No praise theater.
Focus on enabling long-term potential, not short-term comfort.
Deliver feedback promptly and directly. (but tell them it’s coming first!)

The kindest thing you can do for anyone you work with is be candid and direct with them. Help them see around the corner, including in their blind spots (we all have them).

No one appreciates walking around all afternoon at work with their zipper down and their tightie whities showing, ultimately to hear these words from a random stranger passing them by on the street: “hey mama, your fly down.” (*yes, this happened to me recently. Thank you, stranger.)

As time approaches infinity, we all want to become the best version of ourselves. The strongest communicator, the most engaging presenter, the fastest problem solver, the most robust PRD writer, etc etc.

In the short term, we might crave praise, but what we really want is growth. And the only way to grow is to know (1) where you shine and (2) where you need sharpening.

Now, this isn’t an excuse to stop praising people in public. Rather, it’s a reminder that praise should be genuine, grounded in reality, and proportional to the impact that the person made.

No praise theater.
No putting people on pedestals to garner outsized or unmerited appreciation
No more “squeakiest wheel” verbal campaigns to get your team more promotions.

It’s not about what you do for someone right now (this quarter, this performance cycle). It’s about what you do to help someone reach their fullest potential in the end.

If you ignore my words and keep beating around the bush or focusing only on what people are doing well enough, it may take them a long time to see that you’ve done them a disservice, but they will. Trust me, it’s painful to realize that you Peter Principled someone you care about when you could have used that same energy to sharpen them instead.

Candor is also not an excuse to catch people off guard. Your goal should be to give feedback as near to real-time as possible, as directly as possible, and without any element of surprise in your timing.

“I have some thoughts on your presentation. Can I grab time with you today or tomorrow to walk through the feedback while it’s fresh?”

three low-stakes experiments for you

(easy) Real-Time Feedback Challenge (1 week)

For the next week, write down one piece of feedback for each person you work closely with. Commit to giving each of them that one piece of feedback within 24 hours of writing it down.

(medium) Polling for Feedback Challenge (2 weeks)

For the next two weeks, after receiving praise in any format (email, chat, public), say: "Thank you for the feedback. What's one thing you think I can improve?"

(harder) Anti-parenting Challenge (1 month)

The next time you find yourself going out of your way to “protect” or “promote” someone else in the workplace, ask yourself if the action you are taking is setting them up to be at peak success in 10 years.

Candor == kindness.

✌️Let me know how these experiments go.

💌 What do you think? Have I inspired you to try this one? Comment with your thoughts.

🤫 Whisper #24: Candor == Kindness

Direct feedback is the love language of growth. Sparing someone the truth robs them of the ability to adapt. No parenting. No shielding. Just direct feedback.

Whisper #24

Candor == Kindness

three low-stakes experiments for you

Discussion about this post